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South China Morning Post
Saturday 9th May 2009

Signposts: Setting Boundaries

At my recent Fearless Life workshop I asked the question: "Have you ever failed to say what you thought or felt because you didn't want to hurt, upset or make someone angry?"

An interesting discussion ensued, mostly because people are hungry for information about relationships. Who doesn't want a better relationship?

When we fear confrontation or fear that we may be rejected or end up not being loved, we often compromise ourselves by failing to be authentic.

We may hide our true feelings, or fail to do what we really want because we fear it won't be what the other wants.

What we don't realise is that we are not responsible for other people's feelings. If someone reacts to what we say, if someone feels criticised, then that's his or her personal reaction. We cannot set a limit and at the same time take care of the other person's feelings.

Healthy boundaries help us to know who we are or are not, what we believe and don't believe, what we think, feel, like, need and want. How many of us have unhealthy boundaries, boundaries that are weak or fuzzy, boundaries that are too rigid, or boundaries that are too close or too flexible?

Our number one responsibility is to take care of ourselves. Many of my clients think they are responsible. When they take a hard look at themselves they discover that they are great at being responsible for others but not for themselves.

So, how can we learn to have conversations where we say what we think and feel without fear?

Here are a few tools my clients often choose:

• Remember my needs equal your needs. I need to be able to say what feels good, what I need, what hurts. This is a personal right.
• To know what we want and don't want, we need to know and trust ourselves. Listen to our intuition.
• Examine your beliefs and ask yourself whether you want to hold onto these. What messages did you get as a child? Be good, be kind, be strong? Work hard? Don't be silly, bossy, sad, angry? Don't rock the boat? Don't talk about feelings? Do these rules work for you? If not, change them. This is an opportunity to parent yourself.
• Make "I" statements about what you think and feel rather than blame or complain about the other.
• Speak in a way that is kind to yourself and the other person. Speak in a way that is empowering to yourself, never disempowering to the other individual.
• If you anticipate that the conversation may be challenging, start off by letting the other person know what you love or appreciate about them. Focus on the positive. Be grateful for what you have.
• Ask rather than order. Listen actively to your partner and reflect back (so what you're saying is ...?), then ask is there is anything else they want to say.
• Also, believe in yourself and them.

Working with Peter some time ago, I asked him what was missing in life. He told me he longed for intimacy and said he was often needy in his relationships and that spoiled things.

He'd end up feeling unequal and thinking he was not respected. Looking back, I learned Peter's father was an alcoholic, he had physically abused Peter as a child, then abandoned the family when Peter was a teenager.

Peter's biggest "excuse" in life was that his father abandoned him and as a result he had never been able to trust anyone.

The facts around his excuse were real. The question for Peter was - did this "excuse" serve him? Did he want his past to define his present? Did he want to play the role of victim?

His excuse was based on fear. If he wanted intimacy, the one thing he needed to learn to do was to trust himself - and his partner - and to share all of himself because intimacy is about another person being able to "see" inside you.

To do that he needed to learn to risk upsetting her, hurting her, to risk being rejected and possibly being abandoned. Peter decided he no longer wanted to live a life of pretence, and I'm pleased to say he learned slowly to speak up and put boundaries in place.

 

Glynis Ferguson is founder of Freedom from Fear Coaching™ and a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community

 

Copyright 2010 Glynis Ferguson