In the News

South China Morning Post
Saturday 4th April 2009

Signposts: Man about the House

As breadwinners are made redundant, family roles are changing. For men who lose their jobs, the challenge can be that their identity is often strongly tied up with their work role.

With no job, men may have no sense of purpose and may feel no longer needed. When they have to play a new role, perhaps relying more financially on their spouse and being involved with childcare, they feel uncomfortable.

For women, the challenge can be living with a man who feels shame and is reluctant to talk about his feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. For women who are earning, it can be tough stepping into the role of provider; for stay-at-home mums, the challenge can be whether to return to work.

Karen, who originally came to me for coaching on life balance, recently asked for support on deciding whether to go back into work. She's married with two children, aged 8 and 10. Her husband is a banker who is fearful of losing his job. She felt torn between her family and returning to work.

We discussed what feeling torn was about - what is it she is torn about, what the challenge is for her, and how she feels about herself when she feels torn.

We explored what she believed other people might think of her, how they might judge her if she made one choice over the other and the costs and benefits of each option. I asked her what she was worried might happen if she chose work over family and vice versa.

In order to move forward, Karen decided to create a family plan. She planned to have a discussion with her husband about where they each want to go in terms of career, lifestyle and so on, and to ask fundamental questions about how much money they need, how much they want to work, and how much time they want to enjoy life. She planned to discuss how they would like their life to be different, and the reasons they tell themselves that life isn't as it could be. She wanted to question the validity of those reasons, their commitments and how their paths can be aligned to meet their individual and personal goals.

Karen also resolved to create time for her and her husband to share concerns and to be honest about feelings, and to practise listening to each other. She decided to investigate areas of her married life in which they could use more support. For instance, could they use a financial planner to help them reframe their thinking around their finances? Should they have domestic help? Would they benefit from a mentor or a coach?

I asked Karen what she would need to feel fully alive. What would she need to be content, satisfied and fulfilled? What does her intuition tell her about her situation? What does she want to do deep in her heart? If she could wave a magic wand, what would she do? What would she get then? What would that mean to her? Then how would she feel?

What else might be possible? Does the choice have to revolve around staying at home or returning to work? How about investing in herself and learning something new?

Karen said she would create an intention statement to guide her going forward and to support her in being accountable to herself and inspire her to do what she needs to do.

Many women who stay at home do so due to an inner expectation or belief that it's what a "good" mother does. But when that's not aligned with their wants and needs, they can feel unfulfilled and eventually suffer from inner resentment as a result of putting others first.

How many women are great at fulfilling the needs of others, yet forget about their own? Do they even recognise their own needs?

The opportunity to make such a decision can therefore be to consider what it is they want and need. I remind women of the coaching tool "my needs equal your needs" and ask them what they're doing to take care of and respect themselves. That gives them permission to put themselves first.

The upside of the economic slump is that we can all take a fresh look at our lifestyles and ask how we really want to live. We can also choose to focus on what's good in our lives. When we feel grateful to be alive, we know what a gift life is and take better care of ourselves.

 

Glynis Ferguson is founder of Freedom from Fear Coaching™ and a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community

 

Copyright 2010 Glynis Ferguson