In the News

South China Morning Post
Saturday 26th September 2009

Signposts: End of the Affair

When Simon first started working with me his goal was to improve his relationship with his wife and children. He complained that he didn’t feel close to his wife, and that his teenage children didn’t respect him. I asked how he attempted to be close with his wife; and how he respected himself in his relationship with his children.

Simon grew up with an authoritarian, critical father. Whatever he did never seemed to be good enough for his dad. Simon desperately wanted to be his father’s favourite son. And so he spent his life striving to be good and obedient. In fact, he wanted to be the best; he was afraid of being seen to be a loser. His mother taught him ‘don’t talk about it’ and ‘be a man’. Consequently, he blocked himself off from his feelings. Yet the one thing he longed for was connection. With his wife, he found it hard to be open and honest about his thoughts and feelings. A people-pleaser, he didn’t want to upset her when he had a difference of opinion or felt hurt. With his children, he was challenged to set boundaries; he did not respect himself. When it came to anger, most times he kept it in; occasionally he would rage.

A few weeks ago he told me he was distraught - he had had an affair. He was tearing himself apart wondering if he should tell his wife. He wanted to stay in his marriage, he said.

We talked about what he meant by ‘distraught’. Simon’s feeling vocabulary was limited, but slowly I came to understand that he felt ashamed of his dishonesty, worried about the future, and conflicted. He was afraid of destroying his marriage, yet there was a small part of him that was afraid of losing what he had found with ‘the other woman’. As a homework exercise, I asked him to journal about all his thoughts and feelings. Where was he blaming, where was he angry, feeling guilty, what else? Journalling provided a safe place for him to express himself.

I looked to clarify what it was that made him feel most distraught– the affair itself or the question of whether or not to tell his wife, or something else? We explored what was happening in his life and marriage when the affair took place. I asked to what extent his needs were being met or not being met. Was something missing? I asked also if it was a pattern for him to have affairs. In talking about his needs, I encouraged him to have compassion for himself – and look at whether his marriage was meeting his needs, or whether the affair was his answer to meeting unmet needs.

I encouraged him to talk about his marriage, what marriage meant to him, and invited him to ask himself how committed was he to his marriage. I asked him what he loved about his wife, what he loved about his relationship. I asked too what he would like to change, what did he think were the issues in his marriage, where did he accept responsibility, and how he would need to change to create what he wanted. How wiling was he to communicate more openly?

I asked what was his motivation or intention in telling his wife about his affair…was that coming from a place of fear or freedom? I asked him to consider the following questions:

• Would he be doing this for himself, his wife or for his relationship? 
• Does his wife suspect the affair - has she in fact asked the question?
• How much is it the case that he wants to unburden himself?
• Is he afraid that he has put his wife at risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease?
• What does he think would be the benefit of telling her, what does he want to accomplish? What does he fear might be the cost?
• What might be the benefit of not telling her - what might be the cost of that choice? Can he carry that burden? Can he live with the fear that his infidelity might come to light in the future?
• What does he expect would be the outcome if he told her or didn’t tell her? Are any other outcomes possible?

For each of these options, I invited him to explore how each choice would or would not support him in his commitment to his marriage….and how much is it in alignment with who he wants to be in this world.

I asked to what extent was he committed to working through the process and finding resolution knowing that the process may take time. I asked him how he could be compassionate with himself….how could he  move towards forgiving himself?

Marital infidelity is a crisis for all involved. Like any other crisis it can be seen as a time of opportunity with the possibility of change.

 

Glynis Ferguson is founder of Freedom from Fear Coaching™ and a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community

 

Copyright 2010 Glynis Ferguson